A detailed guide to making your best two-hundo sauce, a staple in the Snake & Tea Co. family
By: The Big Snake
For those of you who don’t know, creating “Two-Hundo Sauce” was one of the first joint ventures we embarked on here at Snake & Tea Co. Originally created to help us get our weight up to 200 lbs during an abnormally cold winter, the tasty treat also has the added benefit of bringing your weight down to 200 lbs, if you already weight more than that. Since its invention, our spicy little concoction has gained quite the following over the years. It’s the perfect dish for all occasions: cook-outs, weddings, funerals, interventions, house warming parties and even eviction hearings! The list goes on! But enough of my bragging, let’s make some two-hundo!
Step 1: Ingredients
Not gonna get too far into your sauce if you don’t have any of the shit you need, dum-dum. Better get your ass to the store, so you can pick up the following:
Store Brand Chili: in a Can
Don’t waste your time making chili from scratch, or your hard earned cash on that fancy can of name brand chili! Trust me folks, I’ve tried it all. See, the reason you want to go store brand here is because for some reason, two-hundo tastes better with poor quality meat. I can’t really explain the science behind this, but something about that tender horse meat and bits and bobs swept up from the meat factory floor REALLY make this sauce shine. Also, NO BEANS! You don’t want the texture of a bean to fuck up the fine, pasty consistency of the two-hundo.
Can of Store Brand Salsa Con Queso
Ok this one is pretty hard to go wrong with, I just go with the store brand usually because I only work part time right now. But we can get into that on a different post. Feel free to get what you will here, as long as it follows one cardinal rule… IT MUST BE YELLOW IN COLOR. That highly processed yellow gold is what’s gonna give your two-hundo it’s copperly sheen once completed.
Can of Chipotle Peppers in Adobo Sauce
Now this is a must have. This is what is gonna give your two-hundo a spicy after burn, and keep people coming back again and again, so they can ask “what’s in this stuff anyways?” but you won’t tell them. You never will. I didn’t specify store brand on this one, only because I have yet to find a store brand of these. They’re only usually around $1 a can anyways.
*IF YOU ARE A COWARD, YOUR LIST STOPS HERE. YOU MAY CONTINUE ON TO THE PREPARATION SECTION. IF YOU ARE NOT A COWARD, YOU MAY READ ON. YOU STILL HAVE MORE THINGS TO BUY*
Some spicy ass raw peppers:
While we’re at it, let’s go ahead and make this shit inedible. In life, there is no pleasure without pain. This principle is also true in two-hundo sauce. Pick up some spicy peppers, however many and however spicy you want. Don’t even tell anyone that you put them in there. Let your friends and family taste the rage that courses through your body on a day to day basis. Teach them to respect your sauce, and your boundaries.
Step 2: Opening Cans
In case you haven’t noticed, you just bought yourself a bunch of cans. If you can’t figure out how to get these things open, you’re gonna look like a real asshole when you show up to the party empty handed…. Or even worse, with a bunch of sealed cans. Now I understand a properly sealed can is very intimidating, trust me. Growing up in an animal shelter, I was raised on canned meat. But years of experience gave me a “can-do” attitude, and here I’ll help you get one too! Don’t worry, we’ll start with the easy one first:
Oh wow, check it out! A pull tab! Go on and crack this fucker like a tiny bud-light, then rip that tab right back to expose it’s pulpy insides.
Yum! I’d eat that! Or at least give it a taste.
For those of you that don’t know, this type of can is actually called a “Jar”. But I don’t want to get too much into the canner lingo and jargon, so we’ll just refer to this as a “Glass Can”. See, what you wanna do here is pick up your glass can and make a bunch of noise with it. Bang it on counter tops, start breathing heavily, shout out a bunch of swear words (shit, fuck, etc.) Eventually, someone will catch wind of the fact that you have a glass can you’re trying to open, and come over to open it for you. Works every time!
Looks pretty good to me, I’d probably give it a try. Just a little bit though. Special thanks to Crazy Tea for the assist, later douche-bag!
Okay, now we got our big boy. Make sure to respect this one. Steady your hand a bit, maybe do some yoga before hand, watch a fun video of a dog farting on youtube, or drink 5-6 light beers before tackling this tin monster. Again, you can take the “bud-light can” approach with this one, but look out for those edges. They are sharper than they look.
Okay, I probably wouldn’t eat that. Not in its current state, at least.
You did it! Stand for awhile and bask next to your 3 freshly opened cans! Take a break to smoke a cigarette and call your friend who lives in Boston now. I do that sometimes.
*COWARDS, PLEASE CONTINUE ON TO STEP 4. NON-COWARDS, YOU HAVE AN EXTRA STEP*
Step 3: Dice up them spicy ass peppers
Mince up those sneaky little bastards into non-detectable pieces. Do this off in a corner/attic/basement so no one can see you. Hide them when finished. It is of utmost importance that people are not aware of your spicy little secret, or they will steer clear of your vengeful offering.
Step 4: Pouring cans into a pot
Now this is where things get fun. We’re finally gonna “turn up the heat” and get cooking! Grab yourself a pot, any size will do. I usually like to use a comically oversized pot. This not only ups the presentation factor of your sauce (larger pot draws more attention), but will also make it much harder for guests to dip their chips into it. This will lead to better banter and small talk near your sauce, as people will question as to why the pot is so big, and complain about how difficult it is to reach with their chip.
We’ll start with the chili:
Trust me, that’s fine. Let’s move on to the Salsa Con Queso:
A good drizzle action when performing this step here is key. Don’t get lazy and just dump the whole glass can in at once. Instead, dump the whole glass can in over 10-15 seconds. The little things DO make a difference here.
Next up, Chipotle Peppers:
Sure, you can chop these up if you want. But then you don’t get to loudly yell “Oops!” every time you drop a whole one in, and trust me… that’s good fun. Make sure to dump all that pepper bath-water in once you’re finished.
*EXTRA STEP FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT COWARDS*
Now is when you are gonna wanna sneak those peppers in, by the way. Pretend to cough or sneeze while doing so. Have tissues on hand to sell it further.
Okay, all the hard work is behind you now. I know what you might be thinking. “What the heck Snake? You’re not gonna tell us how long to cook it for? Or even give us a temp?” To which my answer is, you don’t have to cook anything! These are all prepared foods, so you are essentially just warming it up. Like you would do with one of those candle wax holders, or a frozen bud-light can you left in the freezer for too long. Heat for as long as you want, and crank that heat to whatever the hell you feel like.
Good news! You’re two-hundo sauce is now complete! It looks so good, I know. You’re probably tempted to dive into this shit right now, but DON’T DO IT. This is two hundo-sauce, not one of your Mama Celeste microwave pizzas. Show some restraint, the art of two-hundo is more one of patience than anything else. You’re gonna want this to congeal a bit, preferably until it has a nice thick skin coating the top. Think of how a turtle’s carapace covers it’s tender insides, that’s kind of what you want to mimic here.
Now this is what I’m talking about, Bon Appetit! Break that skin and dig in…