Avant-garde McDonald's Story Art

The Connoisseur

by Large Dave

Our story begins in a McDonald’s. It is not a particularly remarkable McDonald’s- not by any means, no. In fact, it is, if anything, particularly unremarkable. The Golden Arches on the sign are cracked, allowing unfiltered fluorescent light to shine through. The pavement in the parking lot is crumbling after decades of soaking up rain, Diet Coke, garbage juice, and blood from the occasional street fight. The employees are bored teenagers, working hard to save up for the latest Cardi B single.

The store radio has been on the fritz for a while now. It is not as loud as it should be, and the worn speakers crackle as they play Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” yet again. Nobody is excited to hear that song anymore. Nobody.

Towards the back of the restaurant, just before the McDonald’s Play Place where overwhelmed mothers and lazy fathers on kid duty bring their children to wear themselves out after dazzling them with a Happy Meal, there sits a balding, sour-looking man in a sweat shirt and jeans. The look on his face just screams “I am not happy to be here,” and suggests that he may not be all that happy elsewhere either. He swears under his breath as he finishes a McChicken, then he picks up a french fry. He doesn’t eat it- he examines the fry, and becomes disgusted by it.

The teenager working the register checks her iPhone to see if her friends got back to her about the Cardi B single. ‘I hope Record Express doesn’t run out of tapes,’ she thought to herself. (Is that how kids buy music nowadays? Seriously, someone help me- I have no idea.) She posed for a selfie, but before she could press the shutter button she was confronted by our friend with the sweat shirt. He held a french fry. She blinked, unsure of why he’s returned to the counter. “May I help you, sir?” The man huffed

“Let me speak with your manager.” The cashier didn’t protest. The man’s demeanor showed that he is clearly not in the mood to be nice, so she stepped aside. The manager- a young man with sleeve tattoos- took her place.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?” he asked. “Do you see this french fry?” asked the customer. He held it up inappropriately close to the manager’s face, causing him to recoil.

“I do, sir.” The manager took a step back. “What seems to be the problem?” “The end is broken.” The customer was right- the end of the french fry was broken, as so many of his childhood hopes and dreams must have been for him to complain about a McDonald’s french fry.

“Oh.” The manager wasn’t sure how to respond. “Is this what I paid for?” The customer ordered a small fries. He paid one dollar. “If you don’t like it sir, I can get you another one.” “And how long will that take?” roared the customer. “I ordered my fries with no salt, and you know that means you’ll have to make a fresh one.” He was right- though McDonald’s does keep a great deal of french fries on deck, ready to be scooped up into a

little baggy for the kids or any of their variously sized red cartons, all these fries are salted as soon as they leave the fryer. The manager was speechless. “Why can’t you just get it right the first time?”

“Well sir,” the manager interjected, “I don’t think you’ll notice that the broken end affects the taste of the french fry in any way.” This really set the customer off. His face and his bald head reddened with anger.

“Is this how you treat your customers?” he roared. “All the money I spend here, and you give me a broken french fry! You know what? Here, keep it!” He threw the fry at the manager, who winced as it bounced harmlessly off of his uniform. “You just lost one of your biggest customers!” He started for the door, his feet pounding on the worn linoleum as he went.

“Before you go sir, how much money do you spend here?” the manager asked. The customer turned to face him, still irate. “I-if you don’t mind telling me, I mean.” The customer regarded the manager for a moment, then spat his reply.

“Four dollars every other Thursday.”

Discount Intellectual Property

Snake & Tea’s Discount Movie Ideas

by: Snake and Tea

You always wanted to make a movie, haven’t you? You have everything you need, but all that state of the art equipment doesn’t mean shit if you don’t have any clue what to make your movie about. Eventually that guy who has to hold up the microphone on a boom is going to say “fuck this” and walk out if you got nothing good for him to record. Lucky for you, here at Snake & Tea we’re in the business of making your dreams become a reality. Take a gander at this list of HOT movie ideas we’ve been cooking up that are begging for a spot on the silver screen! We’re willing to let them go for dirt cheap too, even though you’re probably a rich kid. **Like more than a few? Ask about special bundle prices!**

**BARTER OPTIONS NOW AVAILABLE**

“Will it Away”

Literally about a guy’s friend named Will who has the magical ability to cure any disease. Except Herpes. Which, ironically enough, is the only disease he chronically suffers from. Told from Will’s friend’s perspective.

Price: $3.85, or one beer at a bar of your choosing

“The Pummel Horse”

A young man weasels his way into a position at a prestigious all-boys school by claiming he can drop the school’s notoriously high bullying rate. His solution? A class he made-up called “emotional gymnastics”. The intended curriculum being that he encourages the students to take notes on the range of emotions they feel every week, then openly talk about them in front of the class. However, it’s not long until he begins to have flash backs of the days he was bullied in school. As a result, he begins to force the children into break downs during class, through the use of fear-tactics and intimidation. He is fired a few weeks later. The remainder of the movie is him defending his actions in a court of law. It’s supposed to be a comedy.

Price: $9.95, or bar-style nachos at a bar of your choosing

“Mister Bucket”

What are some of the hottest blockbusters coming out of Hollywood right now? If you thought “Board game adaptations”, you were right! That’s why we came up with this red-hot concept, based on the classic 90s interactive game for tiny children. The drooling babies that grew up playing this game aren’t little boys and girls anymore; they’re grown savvy consumers with trendy haircuts, Robinhood apps, and money 2 burn! However, we’ll have to make this a gritty reboot to get their money. Not a problem, because Mister Bucket will make a perfect villain. Not only is he a terrible bucket (he just spits out whatever you put in him, what good is a defiant bucket?) but his ability to hover around the floor while flailing his arms gives him a downright satanic quality. He is a true anti-bucket.  In this suspense/thriller, an ancient Mister Bucket is introduced into an upper-middle-class family’s house in Flushing, Queens. The family’s nanny (played by Fran Drescher) is suspicious of this strange new toy, and for good reason. As the evil Mister Bucket gains more power from the children’s attention, he finally becomes completely autonomous and is out for blood. Locked in the house Fran has to protect the children (all played by Arnold Schwarzenegger) from the sentient bucket after it devours their parents in their sleep. Equipped with the ability to project something gross and/or scary out of it’s mouth (your choice i.e. bees, rats, tiny Steven Tylers), this will be no easy fight. Will they make it out alive? That’s up to you!

**Huge potential for sequels! Mrs. Bucket, Son of Bucket, Bride of Bucket the list goes on!**

Price: $86.75, or 9 pitchers of light-beer at a bar of your choosing and a ride back to our place (poster included)

“I Can’t See Me”

In a tragic and ironic turn of events, pro-wrestling super star John Cena becomes a vampire. After years of people not being able to see him, now he can’t see his own reflection. Despite his father’s (a humble hot-dog salesman who owns and operates a cart on the town green, played by Jon Voight) support of his new vampire lifestyle, John is having a hard time adjusting. Mostly due to the fact that his long time crush, and notorious vampire hater (Kate Hudson) is a clerk at the local Mirror Store. If he goes in, she’ll discover he is a vampire… if he doesn’t, she’ll marry his nemesis Pheten Dockerson (played by Jason Alexander in a toupee). What will he do? Hilarity and hot-dog eating ensues.

Price: It’s not the best, but since you read this far… this one is on the house! Cheers! We’ll still be at the bar though, if you wanted to come hang out.

 

If any of these appeals to you, please contact us! At these low prices, they won’t last for long. The barter options ARE flexible, but we would still insist that they remain items you can get us at a bar (hence the term bar-ter). Also, just to sweeten the pot a bit more, here is a little taste of what kind of movie posters we are capable of producing: