Stories

Discount Intellectual Property

Snake & Tea’s Discount Movie Ideas

by: Snake and Tea

You always wanted to make a movie, haven’t you? You have everything you need, but all that state of the art equipment doesn’t mean shit if you don’t have any clue what to make your movie about. Eventually that guy who has to hold up the microphone on a boom is going to say “fuck this” and walk out if you got nothing good for him to record. Lucky for you, here at Snake & Tea we’re in the business of making your dreams become a reality. Take a gander at this list of HOT movie ideas we’ve been cooking up that are begging for a spot on the silver screen! We’re willing to let them go for dirt cheap too, even though you’re probably a rich kid. **Like more than a few? Ask about special bundle prices!**

**BARTER OPTIONS NOW AVAILABLE**

“Will it Away”

Literally about a guy’s friend named Will who has the magical ability to cure any disease. Except Herpes. Which, ironically enough, is the only disease he chronically suffers from. Told from Will’s friend’s perspective.

Price: $3.85, or one beer at a bar of your choosing

“The Pummel Horse”

A young man weasels his way into a position at a prestigious all-boys school by claiming he can drop the school’s notoriously high bullying rate. His solution? A class he made-up called “emotional gymnastics”. The intended curriculum being that he encourages the students to take notes on the range of emotions they feel every week, then openly talk about them in front of the class. However, it’s not long until he begins to have flash backs of the days he was bullied in school. As a result, he begins to force the children into break downs during class, through the use of fear-tactics and intimidation. He is fired a few weeks later. The remainder of the movie is him defending his actions in a court of law. It’s supposed to be a comedy.

Price: $9.95, or bar-style nachos at a bar of your choosing

“Mister Bucket”

What are some of the hottest blockbusters coming out of Hollywood right now? If you thought “Board game adaptations”, you were right! That’s why we came up with this red-hot concept, based on the classic 90s interactive game for tiny children. The drooling babies that grew up playing this game aren’t little boys and girls anymore; they’re grown savvy consumers with trendy haircuts, Robinhood apps, and money 2 burn! However, we’ll have to make this a gritty reboot to get their money. Not a problem, because Mister Bucket will make a perfect villain. Not only is he a terrible bucket (he just spits out whatever you put in him, what good is a defiant bucket?) but his ability to hover around the floor while flailing his arms gives him a downright satanic quality. He is a true anti-bucket.  In this suspense/thriller, an ancient Mister Bucket is introduced into an upper-middle-class family’s house in Flushing, Queens. The family’s nanny (played by Fran Drescher) is suspicious of this strange new toy, and for good reason. As the evil Mister Bucket gains more power from the children’s attention, he finally becomes completely autonomous and is out for blood. Locked in the house Fran has to protect the children (all played by Arnold Schwarzenegger) from the sentient bucket after it devours their parents in their sleep. Equipped with the ability to project something gross and/or scary out of it’s mouth (your choice i.e. bees, rats, tiny Steven Tylers), this will be no easy fight. Will they make it out alive? That’s up to you!

**Huge potential for sequels! Mrs. Bucket, Son of Bucket, Bride of Bucket the list goes on!**

Price: $86.75, or 9 pitchers of light-beer at a bar of your choosing and a ride back to our place (poster included)

“I Can’t See Me”

In a tragic and ironic turn of events, pro-wrestling super star John Cena becomes a vampire. After years of people not being able to see him, now he can’t see his own reflection. Despite his father’s (a humble hot-dog salesman who owns and operates a cart on the town green, played by Jon Voight) support of his new vampire lifestyle, John is having a hard time adjusting. Mostly due to the fact that his long time crush, and notorious vampire hater (Kate Hudson) is a clerk at the local Mirror Store. If he goes in, she’ll discover he is a vampire… if he doesn’t, she’ll marry his nemesis Pheten Dockerson (played by Jason Alexander in a toupee). What will he do? Hilarity and hot-dog eating ensues.

Price: It’s not the best, but since you read this far… this one is on the house! Cheers! We’ll still be at the bar though, if you wanted to come hang out.

 

If any of these appeals to you, please contact us! At these low prices, they won’t last for long. The barter options ARE flexible, but we would still insist that they remain items you can get us at a bar (hence the term bar-ter). Also, just to sweeten the pot a bit more, here is a little taste of what kind of movie posters we are capable of producing:

 

 

Victorian England News

Goldsworthy: Part 1

by Mick Murton

It was a rainy night in Victorian London. The dim glow of gas lights lit the streets as the shoe shine boys packed up for the evening, and gamblers made their way to the dark alleys and abandoned buildings where they conducted business. Inside of a poorly maintained pub the owner sat, reading the paper while his sole customer sat at the bar, sipping a warm English ale. It would seem that the British Empire could soon be faced with a tonic water shortage. What, then, would he sell his customers to go with their gin? He couldn’t possibly offer them gin and regular water. Would anyone drink gin and root beer? Just then, his customer spoke up.

“Pardon me, could I trouble you for a gin?” The pub owner nodded.

“Of course. One gin and tonic, coming up.” Just as he reached for his ice tongs, his customer spoke up again.

“No no, not gin and tonic. I’ll have straight gin.” Straight gin?, thought the pub owner. The absolute mad lad! Why hadn’t I thought of that?

“One gin, coming up. Straight.” It would seem that he would make it through this tonic water shortage after all! The pub owner poured his customer a gin, and as he did so a rider on horseback galloped by.

The rider was cloaked in dark heavy wool to protect him from the rain. He was on the way to fetch Sir Goldsworthy Gurney, the world renowned surgeon and scientist. He knew he was headed in the right direction, but he didn’t dare check the paper he brought with the address – in this rain, it would only disintegrate. He knew, though, that Gurney’s home would be easy enough to spot as he drew near. Just then, he saw it.

Shining from the third floor windows of Sir Goldsworthy Gurney’s home was the brightest artificial light that the rider or anyone else in Victorian London had ever seen. Having been commissioned by Parliament to build a lighting system for Westminster Palace, he was currently in the process of building the latest iteration of the Bude Light – his own invention – and it would be the most powerful yet. He took a step back to admire the light. With welding goggles on and his sleeves rolled up, he wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. Truly this would be the most powerful gas light ever built! The heat was unbearable. The light was blinding.

Perfect? Not yet.

“Murton!,” Sir Goldsworthy yelled. “More gas!” His assistant, Barry Murton – a relative of mine – was hesitant to comply. He readjusted his welding goggles and, hands shaking, reach for the valve. “Do it, boy!” yelled Goldsworthy. “Give it all the gas we’ve got! I must see how my light shines!”

Meanwhile, downstairs, Goldsworthy’s butler, Mister Jonathan, was preparing a tray of fine cheeses when he heard a knock at the door. “I’m almost there!” he announced. Mister Jonathan made his way to the door and opened it to see a cloaked figure.

“Is Sir Goldsworthy Gurney at home?” the man asked. “It’s an emergency.”

“What sort of emergency?” asked Mister Jonathan.

“A medical emergency, across town. We need a surgeon imme-”

Before he could finish, a loud explosion from the third floor shook the house violently.

“What on Earth was that?”

“That would be Sir Goldsworthy,” Mister Jonathan answered. “He’s upstairs working on a new gas lighting system.” The rider was speechless.

Back upstairs, a soot-covered Goldsworthy Gurney was putting out small fires throughout the workshop with a watering can while a panicked Barry Murton shut every gas valve he could find as quickly as possible. Just as the last flames were quenched, he heard a knock at the door. “Ah! That must be Mister Jonathan with our cheeses. Murton, clean up this mess.” Murton first looked at the destroyed Bude Light prototype, then the burnt crisps of wallpaper that had first peeled off the wall from the heat, then been incinerated in the blast. He let out a defeated sigh and grabbed a broom.

Goldsworthy opened the door and greeted his manservant. “Well met, Jonathan.” Mister Jonathan raised an eyebrow.

“Is everything quite alright, sir?”

“Of course it is, my assistant is just cleaning up after our experiment.” As Murton swept, a large tube fell from the destroyed light and hit him in the head. He dropped his broom and clutched his head in pain.

“Well sir, your cheese platter is here, and you have a guest as well.”

“Oh?” The rider, now no longer covered in his cloak, took a step forward.

“My name is Samuel Throckmorton. Sir Goldsworthy Gurney, we need you across town for surgery. It’s an emergency.” Goldsworthy considered the man for a moment.

“Did you come by horse, Samuel?”

“I did, sir.” Goldsworthy nodded in acknowledgment. “Mister Jonathan, have the stable boys put up Samuel’s horse for the night.”

“But sir, I must come with you!” protested Samuel.

“And you will. Murton! Enough cleaning, prepare the Steam Carriage!” Goldsworthy hurried out of the laboratory with Murton close behind. Samuel Throckmorton was puzzled.

“What on Earth is a steam carriage?” Mister Jonathan raised an eyebrow.

“Would you like to sample any of these fine cheeses?”

Psychological Thrillers About Breakfast Food

This is Not A Denny’s

A short psychological thriller about America’s Diner, by The Big Snake

I came to in a well-lit booth, sitting with a group of people. My senses still hazy, I scanned their faces… They looked familiar, but I couldn’t put a name to them. Not a single one. Scrambling to get my bearings, I darted my head back and forth and took in the surroundings. We appeared to be in some sort of diner, nothing too fancy… each booth was accented by its own hanging light, the tables seemed relatively clean and the seats had the kind of vinyl wrap that could be wiped clean with a moist rag. No family diner would be crazy enough to splurge on outfitting their booths with a plush fabric, not with all that maple syrup getting slung around. I peer over my shoulder and see a waitress walking away from our booth.

“Where is she going?” I ask out loud. “I’m quite hungry, I would like to order soon…” I was indeed quite hungry, but I was mostly hoping that a humble diner sandwich would calm my nerves… I felt incredibly uneasy.

“She just took our order, Jacob.” said the man sitting next to me in the booth.

“Yes, don’t worry Jacob. I’m sure the food will be out soon. The service here is usually very fast.” The strange yet familiar woman across the table said, leaning forward in an attempt to comfort me.

“But… I didn’t order… did I?” I slumped down in my seat. Considering the position I was in, perhaps I did order and just didn’t remember? I still couldn’t figure out who these people were, let alone where I was. I looked down at the floor. Something felt wrong. Very wrong. “Don’t worry, we ordered for you Jacob. We know what you like here,” said the man.

“Yeah, you get the same thing every time, Jacob!” The woman chimed in right after.

I continued to stare at the ground, as a matter of fact I couldn’t stop. There was something just downright disturbing about it.

“Oh… uh… and what would that be?” I asked, still fixated on the floor.

“A ham, egg and cheese sandwich!” The man replied in a jovial tone.

Just then something hit me… the floor, the reason I felt it was so wrong and disturbing finally revealed itself to me. It wasn’t carpeted! It was tile! I have never known a diner with tile floors! I’ve never been to a Denny’s that didn’t have a carpeted floor, and I was beginning to suspect that this wasn’t a Denny’s at all.

“What did you say I ordered again?” I picked my head up to look the man in the eyes.

“A ham, egg and cheese, Jacob. It’s what you always get.”

I sat quietly, leering at the man for several minutes. He began to look nervous, I could see tiny beads of sweat begin to form on his forehead.

“You mean… A Moon’s Over My-Hammy.” I said, with a quiet intensity that made it feel more like a scream.

“Oh, ummm, yes, that’s what I meant to-” I lunged forward and grabbed the man by the shirt.

“I don’t know who you are, or where you have taken me… but you’re not going to get away with this!”

“Jacob, please… I have no idea what you’re talking about!” I slapped the man in the face and began shaking him violently.

“LIAR!” I screamed. “TELL THE TRUTH”! At this point I had whipped myself into a panicked rage. “This isn’t a Denny’s at all! Is it?!”

“No, it is Jacob, I swear! He just forgot the name of the sandwich, it is an awful hard one to remember! We’ve all had a long night!” the woman across the table interjected urgently.

“Oh, is that right?” I said as I directed my hateful gaze upon her. “What was it that you said about the service here earlier? That is was usually very fast?? Doesn’t sound much like a Denny’s to me.” I exploded to my feet. “And I’m sure as hell not sticking around to find out what it truly is!”

I started making my way towards the door, until I heard someone yell “Grab him!” I was accosted by two large men from behind. I wildly kicked and thrashed about with all my might, like a salmon swimming upstream to it’s ancestral home- except theirs is a spawning pool… and mine is America’s Diner. Despite all my efforts, the large men overpowered me and began dragging me back to the booth I had fled. I could see the disgusting, non-Denny’s egg sandwich that was ordered for me sitting there, waiting for me. What was I going to do? I couldn’t eat it, just the thought of trying to made me absolutely sick to my stomach. As they were forcing me to sit down, I got desperate. So desperate that I soiled myself with the hope that the horrible smell would encourage them to let me leave the restaurant. This did not deter the men at all, as they held me down in place.

“Comfortable now? Jacob?” Asked the woman across the table. “We were just trying to buy you a breakfast sandwich, is all. I don’t understand why you must put up such a fight.”

Without a response or hesitation, I spit in her face.

She calmly wiped my saliva from her cheek, with an evil smirk on her face.

“Now, make him eat it.” She ordered the brutish men.

“No! I won’t do it! NO!” I screeched to the heavens, as one of them picked up the vile sandwich and the other grabbed my head and began to pull my mouth open.

There was nothing I could do at this point, I had to eat it and I did. It tasted fine. But it still wasn’t Denny’s. And I never drank that much again.

Niche Propaganda

Cool Things About Boat Ownership

by: The Big Snake & Mick Murton

Here is just a quick list we figured we should whip up just to highlight few of the many perks that come with owning a boat.

1. Word Play

The word “ownership” contains the word “ship”, which just so happens to be what you own. Pretty neat, huh?

2. Cool Hats

With head-wear like that, you’d double down on the thumbs up too!

As a boat owner, you can call yourself “captain” and wear one of those hats that only real captains and live acts like “The Village People” have the luxury of wearing.

3. The Christening

Just look at the serenity in the faces of these bottle-smashing party animals.

Always wanted a low-risk way to smash a champagne bottle, but never had a Jewish wedding? As a boat owner, it’s not just OK to smash a champagne bottle over your boat, but actually smiled upon as a rich tradition of boat ownership. Smash away!

4. Floating on Top of Yummy Food

Your boat might as well be perched on top of this delicious fish pile.

Try parking your stupid land vehicle on the side of the freeway and casting out a line. The only thing you’ll catch is a whole lot of guff from the state police. In a boat? A fish so fresh you’ll just want to bite right into it. Like an apple.

5. Conquest

You know what these little islands are missing? You living on one of them and not paying your taxes.

Your new boat has the power to take you to one of those little islands in the middle of your nearest river, which you may then claim as your own. I don’t know how legal this is, but who’s going to stop you?

6. Tuna Boat Inception

Shout out to the makers of “Gimp”, the FREE photo editing program which allowed The Big Snake to create this shitty picture of three guys holding a big tuna sandwich.

A tuna boat is a type of boat used to catch wild tuna. A tuna boat is also a kind of tuna sandwich served in a hot dog roll. You can pack a cooler full of these bad boys and bring them on your tuna boat, then eat a tuna boat on a tuna boat.

8. The Houseboat

The phrase “Now you’re cookin’ with gas!” should be changed to “Now you’re livin’ on a house boat!”

If you have a houseboat (or as we call them, a true boat), your backyard is a body of water as untamed and free flowing as your restless heart. Now un-dock that beauty, and enjoy a lifetime of floating down the mighty Mississippi to the sound of your own trumpet playing.

Petty Scams

The Big Snake’s Guide to Getting Free Shit

by: The Big Snake

I sat down about a month ago and thought to myself…. when was the last time I heard “Hey bud, this one’s on the house!” And I’ll be damned, I couldn’t recall! I also couldn’t recall if I have ever actually heard that before, or if it was just said on a re-run of Cheers playing in the background of a bar where I was already very drunk.

Semantics aside, there isn’t a soul on this earth that doesn’t long to hear those words at least once in awhile. Whether it be at your favorite bar, coffee shop, or used tire shop, those few simple words make you feel like dropping your hard earned coin there is noted and appreciated. In these “hard” economic times however, fewer and fewer establishments are willing to hand out a freebie. It’s like everyone has gone stingy on us hard working folks who are just trying to live ever-so-slightly above our means. What are we to do? Ol’ Snake has a solution…. Email corporate.

Now before you say anything, I understand this tactic will not work at one of your local mom and pop stores. That’s fine. My goal is to help you supplement your daily intake of whatever this consumable item is by cutting it with the corporate version. This way you can maximize your supply with minimal funding, like a drug dealer does. It’s gonna take work though.

First let’s talk about the history of “emailing corporate”. Long a tactic employed by perpetually unsatisfied white-couples and people who are angry about something else, emailing corporate will usually get you something you want. Whether that be an apology you DO NOT deserve or a coupon for your next drink half-off, they will respond with something for you. This “I’m angry at your staff” technique, however, gets you something at the expense of the poor people who have to work in a corporate hell-hole for a pittance. It also makes you look like a total asshole (but you wouldn’t care, because you are). While being really angry is an easy way to get what you want, my new and improved technique will get you what you want through other means: Being complimentary.

As a result of the behavior discussed in the previous paragraphs, corporations now almost always have a dedicated staff of human punching bags just to handle the deluge of angry complaints from retirees across the country. In a sea of unreasonable complaints riddled with grammatical errors and pending lawsuits your nice email is going to stick out like that balding, chubby Bee-Gee next to his handsome brothers with the beautifully feathered hair (see bottom for illustrated example). I like to call this the ‘Ugly Gibbs Brother” effect.

Don’t be afraid to really heap it on too, check out my example in an email sent to convenience store chain, Cumberland Farms:

Wow, now that is some high praise. Notice how I added in a few factors here to make this email really shine. One, I made it abundantly clear that it was my birthday. Two, I asked for way more than they could have possibly given me.

If you think requesting an entire film crew was a bit too much…. you would be right, because they responded with this:

 

 

Alright, fair enough Cumberland Farms. In retrospect this was my fault for painting myself as a lonely sad-sack who wrote a convenience store chain just to let them know his birthday plan was to go to a bunch of their locations by himself. While demanding a film crew.

This initial response did not phase me however, I wanted those free hot-dogs and/or coffees. Bad. So I decided to play into the pitiful role I had already laid out with this:

 

**ADDRESS CHANGED TO PROTECT MY PRIVACY, ALTHOUGH I DO FREQUENT THIS DENNY’S** 

This follow up email did two things for me. Firstly, it affirmed to the customer service center that my first email was not just a silly prank. I was serious about this birthday gas station tour, the film crew, the whole lot of it. Second, it heaped even more pity on top of an already unbearably pitiful story. The body of that text might as well read “Please respond to my email Cumberland farms, you are literally all I have…”

Then the magic happens:

 

 

Thank you, Maureen, for saving my birthday!

Finally, I have my prize. Two coupons for a free beverage worth 99 cents or less (retail value) and it only took seven days, four emails, and hours of planning my next move. Next time someone asks me how much my time is worth, I’m going to say “One dollar and ninety-eight cents, plus tax.” without hesitation. And so should you.

This is not an exact science, but more of an art, as you can see. So if you have any trouble with getting your free drink coupons feel free to contact me directly for guidance. Or if you represent a company that would like to send me free drink coupons, you can contact me as well. Just remember to never give up, not until you have claimed what is rightfully yours. As promised earlier, I will leave you with a little picture to help you remember my “Ugly Gibbs Brother Effect” Thank you.