Keith “Dirty Keith” Jacobs



“Turn around, bright eyes.” A line which best sums up Keith in the
minds and memories of most the United States citizens. After becoming
a finalist on American Idol the ‘Sweetheart Of The Microphone”, as he
affectionately became known as by his adoring fans, stepped down from
going further in the competition. Not before giving one final mind
blowing and heavily emotional performance which brought the three
judges, and every blue blooded American, to tears. Steve Harwell said
he never needed to hear another song sung by anyone ever again as he
wept into his hands. While Eric Clapton and Melissa Joan Hart just
held each other in blissful anguish at the performance they just

Upon leaving his short lived singing career, Keith turned his
attention to writing. His article on cultural awareness entitled “One
Fish, Two Fish. Black Fish, Jew Fish” gained fame and was eventually
published in Time Magazine, The New Yorker and the lesser known
Thrasher, a magazine for skateboarding. Because of the impact this
piece had on the world, Keith was nominated for the Nobel peace prize.
Although not winning the esteemed award Mr. Jacobs had the honor of
Kanye West interrupting the ceremony by rushing the stage and
exclaiming, “This feels like 9/11 all over again, homies” as it was
handed off to someone else.

Dark times fell upon his life shortly after the loss of the Nobel
peace prize. Mental breakdowns and heavy drinking led him to seek
comfort in the country of Cambodia. Not much is known about him these
days except that he has since recovered from the dark ages of his
life. No one expects him to resurface anytime soon. His legacy is
carried on through a children’s summoning game, not unlike Bloody
Mary. The game varies depending on who you ask, but the general idea
is: You go into a wine cellar alone in the dark. You then close your
eyes and spin around three times. Once stopped, you quickly uncork a
bottle of Merlot and pour it on your feet. When the last drop hits
your toes Keith comes up behind you and whispers in your ear, “Turn
around, bright eyes”. If you turn around quick enough Keith will have
recycled everything in your recycling bin.