Archie “Not Eric Andre” Doyle

Archie

Archie’s story begins at the tail end of a bitter, long and oppressive winter. The ground had just began to thaw in the early spring air, filling the great outdoors with the pungent scent of farts. Nature usually smells like farts, especially around this time of year, and nowhere more so than where this story begins. It was the site of what was once the largest and most glorious dump in the tri-state area. It grew to such a great size, that it became unstable and eventually had to be abandoned after a mammoth trash-slide that ate up half of the surrounding towns. Since then, grass and other native weeds have taken root on the hulking pile and it remains the tallest and smelliest peak on the eastern seaboard.

On this infamous day, The Big Snake had travelled to the Trash-Mountain and was hunting for some old-timey tin cans, wheat pennies, silver dollars, etc. with the brand new metal detector he had just won in a Ryan Gosling look-alike contest. He was distracted though, he keep hearing a grizzly voice wherever he went that day. “Hey! HEY! Come here. HEY!” it would say, tauntingly. Maybe it was scent-induced delirium from the unbelievably intense fart smell, but it seemed to be getting closer. Snake finally stumbled upon an opening to what looked like a hut made of garbage. Could this be where the voice was coming from? Who would live in a hut made of garbage, on a giant pile of garbage?

Curious, he entered the trash-shack. Once inside, he found Archie. Dressed in a ratty black t-shirt, Archie was about 8 feet tall, with scraggly hair and a greasy smile that said “I’m not a cannibal, but if someone put human meat in front of me, I’d give it a try.” Snake stood, staring at the man, confused. “Hah, gotcha into my trash den, dum-dum” he said to Snake while leaning in to fake him out for a high-five, then giving the “hang-ten” sign and saying “sick”. He was eating a handful of what appeared to be orange peels and discarded pizza crust that he kept calling “bon-bons” and “skittles”. Despite Archie’s deplorable hygiene, and complete lack of manners to his forced visitor, the duo ended up hitting it off. So much so, that Snake convinced him to leave his beloved trash home and the garbage he sustained himself on since birth, and join his posse of troubadours that were to set out to change the world. Over the years he has adjusted well (despite being sometimes violent) and has become a valued friend and member of the Snake & Tea family.