After an exhausting trip up what seemed like an infinite amount of steps, Levon and Axel finally haul themselves up the last step. They stand straight up and brush themselves off, breathing a deep sigh of relief. Levon’s frantic brushing causes a slinky to fall from his pocket, and it begins slinking it’s way down the stairs. Levon promptly shouts, “Oh, god dammit!” as he starts after the delightful toy that’s fun for all ages.
Axel grabs him by the back of the shirt and says, “Dude, we are not doing that.”
“Come on, I just got that thing for Christmas!” Levon explains.
“Well maybe next time people won’t get you a gift that’s capable of running away from you.” Axel says.
After squandering a perfect opportunity to reenact a classic “Ace Venture” movie scene, they walk through two large oak doors and into the museum lobby. A big ole frumpy lady with a fashion chain on her glasses greats them. “Hello, welcome to The Kevin Costner Memorial Museum. Can I…”
“Where’s the bathroom?” Axel says, cutting her off mid-sentence.
Clearly offended, she sternly points a finger in the direction of the bathrooms. The two have not urinated in awhile and rapidly head for the toilets, finding them with ease.
They enter the bathrooms to find only one stall for pissin’ and no urinals, an interesting choice for a men’s bathroom. Axel heads into the single stall, while Levon adjusts his hair in the mirror and compliments the overall smell of the public facility. “Not bad.” he says. Axel finishes, and they switch off. Now at the sink, he turns it on to find the water still hot from the previous use. Levon is quick to follow suit, as Axel moves on to the hand dryer. It was one of those quasi-futuristic Dyson models. It half dries his hands, the front of his pants finish the rest of the drying process. Levon goes the paper towel route and takes a couple extra seconds in the mirror, cause you never know if a busty lady will be around the next corner.
They exit the bathroom and head back to the lobby. The front-counter women was there waiting for them to return. As soon as Axel and Levon are within talking distance, the women starts her usual museum spiel.
“We have a number of wonderful exhibits today. My personal favorite of which being-“
“Yea, yea. How much? Axel and Levon abruptly interject, cutting the women of completely.
Clearly offended once more, she points the same stern finger at a box that has a sign above it reading ‘suggested donation: $10 USD’.
“Suggested donations!? Piff.” Axel and Levon are outlaws, so they are certainly not about to obey a suggestion.
Axel walks up to the box and blows his nose, deeply, and discards the damp tissue into the box. Levon approaches with a weathered twenty-dollar bill in his hands, and makes change for it out of the box (1-$10, 1-$5, 5-$1s). He pauses, thinking for a bit, and then reaches back into the box and pulls out a bunch of quarters and pockets them. He glances over at the desk lady and explains “I might want to grab a gum-ball from the machine later”. Axel moseys on back over to the box and begins to slowly fish out Levon’s crumpled twenty spot, while making direct, uncomfortable eye contact with the now appalled women. “On second thought” he thinks out loud, and slowly puts it in this front shirt pocket, where it will most definitely fall out at some point and be lost forever. The women at the desk, now cross-armed and shaking her head says in a defeated tone “Just go, just be gone.”
Instantly memorized by the beautiful marble floor, they pretty much walk without looking up at all until they bump into a large granite sign.
Levon’s quick to stroke it with his hands and yell out “Check it out dude, it’s granite! I love granite.”
Axel takes a gander. “Oh shit. It’s the directory of all the shit they got in this bitch.”
The Kevin Costner Memorial Museum: Directory
1st floor-Ace Of Spade: In celebration of David Spade
2nd floor-Doctor Who Convention ‘Virgins Only’
3rd floor-A Rise To Power: Honoring our new overlords The Blood Sons of Christ.
“I know the third floor is what we’re here for, but doesn’t mean we can’t stop off and fill up on some David Spade.” Axel says.
“I hear that. Also, no reason we can’t stop off at that second floor and give some nerds a few swirlies.” Levon says, making a toilet dunk motion with his left arm.
Axel pulls out his iPhone XXX (Vin Diesel addition) and snaps a photo of the directory.
“What are you doing?” asks Levon.
“Taking a photo of the directory. If we get lost, we can reference it.” Axel explains
“It’s only three fucking floors!” Levon shouts.
“Right.” Axel says, putting away his phone.
“Alright, let’s go get some David Spade.” Levon says.
About an hour and a half later, they both emerge from the Spade exhibit donning some tight fitting ‘I’m with Farley’ long sleeve t-shirts as well as matching blonde David Spade wigs.
“Say what you want, but that little man makes one mean side-kick.” Axel exclaims.
“Too bad he never could step it up to the main stage.” Levon says.
“I don’t know man, Joe Dirt’s a hell of a movie.” Axel responds.
Levon is quick to head up the stairs while Axel lags behind, diddling around on his phone.
“Come on dude, keep up! What are you doing?” Asks Levon.
“Hold up, I’m just checking that picture of the directory to get my bearings.” Axel explains.
“IT’S THREE FUCKING FLOORS…THREE! Put it away!” Shouts Levon.
“WELL…OKAY!” Axel shouts back at Levon.
They reach the second floor and are immediately taken back by an overwhelming basement smell, not to mention the overall nerdiness of the affair. Realizing they’re about to come in contact with a large amount of serious nerd-virgins the second they walk through those doors, they decide to get tough. They throw each other a nod and slap-on some tight-white deep Vs and some well worn leather jackets. Before Levon puts on his coat, he rolls his cigarettes up into his sleeve. Axel pulls out a new jar of pomade to grease up his hair. They both draw their switchblade combs and cake it on the top of their heads. In a smooth succinct motion, they slick it back; Travolta style.
Levon busts out a perfectly executed pirouette and whispers ‘crazy’ as his left foot touches the ground. While Axel answers back with his own crisp pirouette, whispering ‘cool’ as his right foot hits the ground. They enter the convention while snapping their fingers perfectly NSYNC.
A good amount of time passes before Axel and Levon emerge back from the other side. When they do, we can see our heroes back pedaling out as Levon shouts, “Re-tardis is more like it…nerds!”
“Good ole fashion swirlies never get old.” Axel exclaims.
“Yea, we showed them. Way to kick some nerd-ass!” Levon shouts with glee.
To the third floor they went. Racing each other in the most childish way possible. The door to the exhibit was propped open, warmly inviting them in, even though the joint looked as though no one had visited in some time. They step in and kick the door-stop out, so they can have the run of the place. They stand in complete darkness for an awkward amount of time until the pain in the ass, motion sensor activated fluorescent lights begin to flicker on. They illuminate one by one, leading them down a long hallway.
Once the lights turn on, the first thing to draw their attention were two strikingly badass suits of armor, positioned parallel to each other in the hall.
“Shit man, these things look badass.” Axels says.
“Tell me about it, that one right there looks about my size. I kind of want to pop it on and give it a whirl.” Levon says, as his eyes ran up and down the time (and maybe battle) weathered metal.
“I don’t know man, that thing kind of looks tight in the crouch area and this place might be closing soon so we really don’t got the time.” Axel says.
“Yea you’re probably right, but ain’t nothing wrong with having it a little tight in the crouch… If you know what I’m saying.” Levon says, as he heads down the hall.
“Yea, your crouch is mad tight.” Axel says, for no good reason.
As they make their way down the hallway, they notice it was lined with doors to special exhibits, each of which appeared to represent an event in the Great War, in chronological order. Each door was made of a finely aged hard-oak, and probably could have told a story of it’s own. So elaborate were the hand carved wooden adornments and decoration upon them, that one would have their eye caught by them first, even over the large bad-ass battle axes and shields that surrounded each entrance.
The two wanders push open the door to the first room, that had plaque above it that read: ‘The Grand Reckoning’.
The room was packed to the ceiling with information on the birth of The Blood Sons of Christ, detailing it in the form of dioramas, memorabilia and artifacts that each told it’s own story. The room flowed in a chronological timeline. It started at the door, going clockwise in a full circle, finishing were it began.
“Hey man, looks like it starts over here.” Levon points out as he then begins to read a plaque out loud.
“A Profit In Exile…”
After a visit from God, a leading genetic scientist at the time came to believe that it was his destiny to obtain possession of the Shroud of Turin, and bring our lord and savor back to life through radical breakthrough innovations that he made in cloning. This man is our father Joseph Koni, now known as Father Koni. Realizing the law of God was much greater then the law of man, he stepped forth to obtain the shroud through any means necessary. After discovering the item had been taken, a full investigation was launched, coming to the conclusion that Koni was the infamous bandit. Even though they never recovered the shroud, their punishment for him was to be banished to a frozen wasteland for the rest of his life. Little did those dickheads know, crafty Father Koni managed to keep the shroud hidden on his person, even throughout the thorough searches he was subject to while the prison system. This included harsh stripping of personal clothing, followed by very detailed examinations in full tiled bathrooms.
“Soo, does that mean it was real deep up his ass?” Axel rhetorically asked out-loud.
“That dude must not have pooped for weeks.” Levon assured Axel.
After perusing the boring ass exhibit for a few more hours, and learning a bit more about how FJK used his wasteland retreat to his advantage and finished his cloning work while building a following, they began to feel sleepy and restless. “Man this shit’s boring as hell, if I have to walk around here any longer reading about this pencil-dick motherfucker I’m going to develop a pretty serious case of the sleepies.” Levon said, as he begins an elongated yawn.
“Yea, leaving seems like it could be a sweet idea, but yo… I want to try nabbing one of these cool items. They got some serious shiny shit in here. We may need to case the joint after close.” Axel said while looking around, scoping out the material on the walls.
Levon replied, “Oh hell yea dude, you know I’m always down for a good heist! That’s why they call me Major-Crime baby! We’re going to have to find a nice stow-away place.” Levon takes a gander around and sees the majestic suit of armor, points at it, and calls dibs. He starts taking it apart, reassembling the stiff metal body wear around himself. “Uh dude, can you help me onto that stand there? Turns out, a full suit of plate armor is actually pretty cumbersome. I can’t really move that great in this.”
Without a word, Axel lifts Levon up from under his arms, like you would a small child, and places him gently on a wall stand. “I don’t know if I can stay the night up here. This is extremely uncomfortable.”
“No dude, you look good. I’m going to go find somewhere to hide now.” Axel starts to bolt away but stops and grabs a spear from another display and slaps it into Levon’s arms. “You look great man.” He assures once more, as he takes off trotting down the hall.
Levon yells out one final plea, “The discomfort is turning into pain! There must be some kind of mechanism in this suit that chafes your privates even when you aren’t moving!” Axel turns a quick corner.
A couple of super chaffed hours later, a night watchman comes into Levon’s view. Levon tries to play it as still and cool as possible, even though his face is soaked in tears of pain and he’s pretty sure there is some pee in his pants, but he isn’t sure how much. The watchman paces back and fourth in front of the suit of armor, until he finally stops and walks right up to the hidden Levon. “Hey, what are you doing in there?” He shouts out. Levon stays still and silent, even closing his eyes for good measure, hoping the watchman was talking to someone else behind him.
“You, you in the suit of armor! I can see you, plus don’t act like I can’t hear you sobbing in pain up there. Get down, and get the heck out of that armor!” The watchman yells again.
“Alright, but you’re going to have to help me down, I really can’t move… and I can barely feel my dick.” Levon pleads with the man.
The security guard helps him down and out of the suit of pain. Levon breathes a sigh of relief and fights the urge to kiss the man on the lips. “You guys tripped a silent alarm. Where is your lanky buddy? The authorities are on their way, and they hate when people mess with their museum.”
“Oh shit, really? My bad dude. I don’t know exactly where he is. Last I saw him he was scooting down that hall and took a quick corner.” Levon stated, pointing a finger down the dark corridor.
They both take off down the hall in search of Axel, until Levon notices a fluffy lettered sign that stops him dead in his tracks. He looks up at the sign and reads it out loud, “Bed Exhibit? You guys have a bed exhibit?! I bet his ass is snoozing in there while I was propped up on the wall like a pair of deer antlers made out of my own balls!”
Levon kicks open the door and the security guard follows him into the lavender scented room. He finds Axel out cold on a mattress that looked like the most comfortable thing man has ever created in their entire existence on earth. “A fucking bed exhibit!?!” Levon shouted as he got his mouth a foot or two away from Axel’s ear-plugged ears.
Axel rolls over too his back, lifts up his light reducing mask and removes his ear plugs. Beginning with a yawn he says in the sleepiest tone, “Hey guys, how was your sleep? What time is it?”
“Come on man, you couldn’t come grab me when you found a goddamn bed exhibit?” Levon continued shouting.
Axel yawns again for good measure and tries to put some words together, but is cut off by the security guard. “Both you gentlemen need to leave here now.”
“Damn I’m well rested.” Axel says. “Who’s the jack-hole?”
Before Levon could reply the guard interrupts. “This jack-hole is the security guard that wants to get your asses out of here, before the authorities show and shoot this place up!” He pauses. “Also, the name’s Ben Stiller.”
Just then someone kicks in the door to the bed exhibit. “Goddammit, will everyone please stop kicking that door in? I’m going to have to fix that.” Ben Stiller says with frustration.
The man who enters looks very familiar to the boys.
“Well what the hell is going on in here, Ben? You know… I get paged in here in the middle of the night cause some silent alarm is going off, the suit of armor out front is completely in shambles, and now I walk in here and you’re just standing here chatting it up with a couple of your buds? I mean no offense to you two, I’m sure your very nice and all but i’ve never seen you before in my life, and now the authorities are on their way… Ben, the authorities are on the way.” The uniformed man said, in a long winded rant.
“Owen, I know the authorities are on their way, okay? I was working when all this happened. I’m just trying to get these guys out of here before those dickheads come and shoot this place up!” Stiller responded.
“Oh…oh. Well we got to get out of here then.” Owen agreed.
Ben turns to Axel and Levon, “Yeah this guy works the day shift over here, he’s actually a very close friend of mine.”
“The name’s Owen Wilson, it’s a pleasure to meet you two.” The man says while giving them a very folksy handshake, not recognizing them from the bathroom meeting before. “Now let’s get the fuck out of here.”
The big ol’ group of dudes start heading to the back exit. While leading the pack and coming up on the back door, Owen turns around and asks “So, why would you guys even want to camp out in this lame, dumpy ass museum anyways? This place is boring as hell.”
Axel and Levon pause for a second, and look around. Waiting for the other to maybe muster up enough audacity to ask.
Eventually, after a good long 45 seconds of Axel making shifty eyes he finally asks. “We, uh, we’re kind of really digging all this shiny gear you guys got stored up in here, and well… it just seems like maybe you have more exhibits then you need, and maybe, uh… we could grab, maybe, like an item or two, maybe, just so we could remember, uh… what a joy we had here.”
“Yea, we had a really great time!” Levon tries to add some reassurance to Axel’s terribly awkward and super long question.
“So you guys are saying you want to… steal stuff?” Mr. Wilson asked them.
“Ummmm. Yeah.” They both respond.
“You guys can take something.” Wilson says, surprising the heck out of Axel and Levon.
“Yeah, to be honest our bosses are assholes and we just got a pay cut so we don’t care.” Stiller said to them, making them feel for more comfortable with the idea.
“They’re total dicks, and we don’t have to worry about getting in trouble for this because we got tenure here.” Owen said.
Axel and Levon proceed to straight-up ransack the place.
While ransacking the place, Stiller eventually interrupts “Yea…the authorities are getting close and we’re about to head out of here.”
From out of the shadows comes famous film-write and director, Wes Anderson. He walks over to Ben and Owen with his arms out, they latch onto him as he blasts off through the roof, leaving a sizable hole in his wake.
“Did you just fucking see that?” Axel asks Levon.
“Oh shit dude, it’s getting light out. We got to duck out of here.” Levon says, pointing up at the newly installed glass-less skylight (the sizable hole).
They both prop comically over-sized sacks of treasure over their shoulders, sneak out the back door and sidle along side the building until they reach the cozy dumpster they tied their raptors off to.
“I think we’re gonna have to pop into this dumpster for a bit until the heat dies down, man.” Levon said to Axel.
“Man, I pay a mortgage on a house, I’m not sleeping in a fucking dumpster!” Axel said.
Levon replies, already fully in the dumpster “I don’t know man, it’s actually not that bad in here. I’m really cozy already, you got to check it out.”
Axel peaks his head into the spacious trash receptacle. “Oh wow!” He exclaims. “Is that an untouched McDonald’s snack wrap?” He too, goes full dumpster.
From the lavish comforts of their dumpster, they find that Axel was correct. But there wasn’t only one untouched, pristine, still kind-of-warm snack wrap in there… there was two. In both of their favorite varieties as well. Perfectly perched on an old Hustler Magazine was a crispy honey mustard for Levon, and an all American crispy ranch for Axel.
The two exchange their often used ‘Untouched McDonald’s Snack Wrap’ celebratory high-five, and chow down. Soon after finishing, they took a short nap, making for a classic ‘snack n’ nap on wrap’. Always a good move.