Chapter 3(B): A Day at the Beach

Now freshly changed out of their (ad)venture attire and into their designer swim trunks (which they special ordered from Italy off of, the boys find a worthy spot pool-side and lay out their retro beach-towels. Axel’s sweet towel portrayed the young faces of 90’s group and musical sensation, ‘New Kids on the Block’, while Levon’s equally sweet towel portrayed the hunky 90’s teen heart-throb James Van Der Beek, from the hit T.V. series ‘Dawson’s Creek’. After admiring each other’s towels, Levon turns to Axel and says “Sweet towel, man.” Axel returns the gratitude, “Thanks, I like your towel too”.

After settling down in a cat like manner, they take a dip in the fresh water pool, intentionally avoiding the salt-water sea (along with the damage it could cause to their hair-styles).

 After noticing several running activities taking place on the nude beach, they decide to hop out of the pool before their skin begins to prune and take a brisk jog over to the topless women. Levon participates in a friendly Frisbee toss, while Axel declines to play, choosing instead to toss around the all-American pig skin.

Due to the bright-ass sun and Axel’s sensitive eyes, Levon and Axel began to lose sight of several tosses in the glaring light. Not wanting to be embarrassed of their hand and motor skills, they ask the attractive ladies if there is somewhere nearby where they could purchase some deaf sunglasses. After explaining to the busty women what deaf sunglasses were, they draw a map to the nearest Sunglass Hut in the sand for them.

At the well-stocked Sunglass Hut, they are quick to find a matching pair of sunglasses that they both agree they could imagine Johnny Depp wearing. After purchasing their ‘buy one get one free’ glasses, they exchange a celebratory high-five; as a matter of fact they were high-fiving a lot that day. They averaged an impressive 6.8 HFPH (High-Fives-Per-Hour). Walking out of “The Hut” (as the locals referred to it) they were so satisfied with their recent purchase, that they decide to see what some of the other small-town stores have to offer. They window shop for a while, finally settling on going into a quaint little Ma & Pa store by the name of Walmarttm.

Inside the cozy little store, they quickly notice a strikingly good deal on Easter Peeps and demonstrate good self-control by choosing to move on, always keeping their figures in mind, never wanting to become a fat, frumpy fuck. They happen to run upon the physical recreation section of the store next, and notice some beautifully hand constructed, string operated flying machines (kites). They both choose kites in the obvious bad-ass color of purple, and then caused a small scene in-store in regards to whom would get to name their kite “Purple Rain”… Levon won the argument.

Back beach-side, our heroes can be seen enjoying a solid kite fly, catching some strong winds and obtaining some decent kite-height. Just before losing interest in the kites, they were approached by a large, muscular, well-oiled man. With him, he brings a flyer looking for super ripped dudes to enter into the Annual Local Weightlifting Competition. Being extremely qualified, Axel and Levon decide to compete. They promptly roll-up their kite strings, with loose wrists and excellent form. Eager to get first dibs on the body oils, they race each other to the weight lifting courts in an extremely juvenile manner.

Now freshly oiled, the competition is about to begin. They simultaneously get up to go first, in tandem. Seeing that the starting weight was far too low for them, and knowing that they could both lift the exact same amount of weight (having been there, and done that), they throw on an extra thousand pounds each and “bang-it-out”. Dumb-struck by the muscular prowess of the strikingly handsome young men, the weak-ass body-builders all forfeit the crowning title to the bulging gentlemen.

The title came with the illest trophy the two had ever seen, as well as super-deaf matching crowns and scepters.

“Shit man, you know who would really enjoy this trophy?” Axel asks Levon.

“Who?” Levon questions.

“Kennith.” Axel quickly replies.

“Aw shit dude, hell yeah. He’d love this shit.” Levon is visibly excited.

Kennith was a red-haired, eight-year-old boy who had Lou Gehrig’s disease; real bad. The duo had been sponsoring him for years.

“Kennith, where you at man? Get the fuck up here you little-shit.” Levon shouts out into the crowd, warm heartily.

The topless crowd splits in two, revealing a sickly little boy hobbling toward the stage. With half an eye on a nearby clam-bake and getting hungry, Axel ends up running the ill trophy out to the sick child since he was walking so damn slow.

Upon handing the trophy over to Kennith, a group of fine-looking, young and topless ladies frantically throw on t-shirts just so they could flash Axel and Levon. Puzzled by the peculiar action, they throw a reluctant half-nod in their direction.

“Dude, lets go check out that clam-bake.” Axel says to Levon.

Axel and Levon arrive at the clam bake and start sampling all the fresh seafood they can get their greasy little hands on; Clams, scallops, clams on the half shell, king crab legs, steamed clams, lobster tail, clams casino, oysters, fried clam strips, shrimp, New England style clam chowder, stuffed baked cod, baked clam oreganta, grilled swordfish steaks, and linguine with clam sauce and baby portobello mushrooms. After having their fill of seafood and other clam related dishes, they begin exchanging friendly conversation with the locals.

While speaking to some very boring individuals, Axel recognizes a familiar face in the crowd. He taps Levon on the shoulder to draw his attention from meaningless banter.

“Dude, check it out. That’s Jenn-Conn over there.” Axel says.

“Aw man, fuck these losers, lets go talk to Jenn-Conn!” They shove their way through the crowd, working toward Jennifer Connelly. Axel shoves his way in front of Levon for the first word.

“What’s up dogg? We haven’t seen you since the trench-maze.” He awkwardly blurts out.

She throws Axel a puzzled look, and is clearly thrown off by his use of such antiqued slang. “Oh… You’re the two lame dudes I left behind, didn’t think you’d make it out.”

“Yea, we made it out with relative easy as a matter of fact, cause you know. We’re big tough guys.” Levon responds, just as a little boy would.

Not sold on all the talk, she makes a proposition “Oh really, well if you’re ‘big tough guys’ then maybe you’d be interested in a friendly, competitive, full-nude beach volleyball pick-up game.”

They both shout “We’re in!”

Awkwardly, Axel asks “Got anywhere for me to hang my denim.” As he motions to his designer Levi’s.

“Nope, but if your interested in playing, you can meet me at the sand-courts in 15 minutes.”  She says as she grabs her equally hot female friend by the ass-cheek and sashays their pretty little asses down to the sand-courts. Ass.

After 15 more minutes of idle chatter (and a few push-ups for good measure), they start their way over to the volleyball showdown.

As they approach, they hear Jenn-Conn yell out  “I said full nude!”.  They are clearly still in their designer denim pants. They quickly loose their pants and slip out of their undies. Their attention is quickly shifted toward their opponents as they get down to full nude.

Jennifer Connelly was in a sweet two piece, regal purple flower bikini, which was very flattering in all aspects of her body shape.  First, she slowly reaches back to loosen her top-half.  With the straps coming loose she seductively removes it, fully exposing her supple breasts and nipples.  She daintily raises the top high above her head, holding it between her thumb and index fingers, gently swaying it back and fourth as she bats her eyes in our hero’s direction. Then… she drops it. Throwing more glances Axel and Levon’s way, she then playfully shrugs her shoulders and begins to sensually run her hands and delicate fingers down her shapely, YET slender sides, working her way towards her bikini bottom, grabbing it by both sides. She starts to pull it down ever so slightly, but then hesitates… as if to tease. After a brief heart-stopping pause, she continues to remove the bottoms.  Once she reaches below the knees, she holds them in place and steps out of them one-leg-at-a-time.  Holding the bottoms in her hand, she playfully whisks them over her shoulder in a very carefree manner, as if she wouldn’t care if she ever found them again. Not that she should worry about that, seeing as she had a very fine bottom-half.  From the navel to the toes, from the navel to the toes.

Her equally hot friend did the exact same thing, all the while eye-fucking the shit out of Levon and Axel.

The game got started, and shit was crazy. Since the get-go it was locked in a dead heat, with both teams trading spikes for spikes, and looking damn good naked the whole while. After an hour and a half, the score was even, 130 serving 130. Axel and Levon gear up for their next serve. Levon was in the serving corner, giving a few practice tosses before serving up a hot-one.  Then, something miraculous happened. Just as Levon was about to toss up the ball, for realz this time, the hero’s ears were flooded with the sweet sound of John Paul Jones banging out the opening organ-riff to “Trampled Under Foot” on a ghetto-blaster across the beach somewhere.

This really lights a fire under their asses (as the song does for everyone) and they turn to each other and wink, knowing this one was in the bag. Levon tosses the ball up into the air and beamed that shit right into the far left corner, just as John Bonham busted into the song with those bad-ass snare smacks.

Having lightning fast reflexes, Jennifer Connelly darts back and saves it in the nick of time, popping it back up with a high arching trajectory, just clearing the net.  Axel, now on his game, takes to the net. He soars hand over hand into the sky, as if climbing am invisible ladder, and meets the ball at it’s maximum height. *WHACK* he crushes it back down to earth. The ball finds Jennifer Connelly’s partner’s face on the way down, leaving lasting psychical and emotional damage to the unnamed woman, and with that… the game was won.

“Suck-it, bitch!” screams out Levon at the injured friend, as she rolls around the ground in extreme pain.

High-fives are exchanged.

As per the agreement, Jennifer Connelly runs off (naked) and fetches the victors two refreshing orange crèmesicles, a truly tasty treat.

Feeling a boner come on, they throw on their expensive designer pants and wander towards a commotion that had begun while they were in heated competition. Interested in perhaps finding another showdown to enter into, they hurry over to find an arrangement of fancy sandcastles and other things made out of beach-sand. It was indeed some of the finest sand-sculptures they had ever seen, craftsmanship-wise and on the merit of creativity as well.  There was a castle in-particular that really caught their eyes, because of its meticulous attention to detail and… unusual design.  They approach the creator of the castle, a whimsical old man with a Jerry Garcia t-shirt on, and ask him how he came up with such a detailed finished product.

“Ay, you like my castle do ye” said the old man, “It’s a model of the castle in the Capital City.”

“Oh, is it now?” Levon says, as him and Axel carefully circle the piece, taking in its proportions and trying to identify any potential architectural weaknesses.

“Ya damn right that’s so!” Said the man as he grabbed Levon by the arm and leaned in close.  “A lotta people ain’t never been there, but I have… I helped design it too.”  The man was really close now, it was clear that he had been drinking and his breath smelt like garbage. Axel and Levon decided to get a few more looks in before leaving to hit the showers.

After working up a sizable appetite from the excessive amount of volleyball, they decide to throw on their formal dinner wear and head over to the world renowned U.S.S. Chowder Pot. They presented the hostess with their “Golden Chowder” cards, in order to skip past the long wait, and immediately receive a four person table. It was the best seat in the house, located adjacent to the fire place and across the room from the live REM cover band. The waiter was prompt to come over with menus and complimentary glasses of the house white. Excited with the wide variety of menu options, Axel and Levon take a few thoughtful moments until coming to their final conclusions on what to order.

Levon decided on the Seafood Imperial; which was tender shrimp, scallops and lobster with diced green peppers and mushrooms baked in a brandy cream sauce. He took that with a side of the house salad (with peppercorn dressing) and the hot veggie of the day, which happened to be squash. He also decided to start with a bowl of their signature Chowder Pot Chowder. Axel went with a classy seven pound mammoth-lobster dinner, steamed to perfection with a loaded baked potato; topped with sharp cheddar cheese, sour cream, bacon bits and chives. To round things out he opted for the veggie of the day, squash.

The first item to come was a fresh, hot-ass loaf of bread, accompanied by Levon’s soup and salad. The two split the loaf, which was soft with an appropriately crunchy crust on the outside. Levon then plunged into his chowder. The chowder was piping hot, but Levon avoided the temptation to add ice cubes to it, as to not disturb the integrity of the soup. It had fresh hot pieces of clam in abundance, along with perfectly stewed potatoes and other veggie bits. The broth had a rich and vivid seafood flavor and was not too salty, which most chowder broths seem to be. Moving onto the salad, it contained garden fresh greens and a healthy portion of garnishes (Tomatoes, cucumbers, etc.), topped off with a tasteful amount of the most delicious peppercorn dressing he had ever tasted.

After sharing some witty banter and a few hearty laughs, their entrees arrive.

It took two beefy male waiters to carry out Axels large dinner plate to him. Setting it down in front of him, Axel sat starring at the colossal sea crustacean and thought to himself how it must have been straight out of sea mythology. Perhaps the sea-version of the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk. The lobster was noticeably bad-ass looking with it’s tattoos on it’s right claw and the tear drop tat under it’s eye. Yet it’s meat was tender and bursting with flavor, especially when accompanied with a side of hot butter. Axel tore through it in minutes. The baked potato was still hot due to the quickness at which he ate the lobster, this is important for him because Axel doesn’t like switching back and fourth while eating different items (He doesn’t like food to mix in his mouth). The sharp cheddar cheese had melted precisely as planned over the bacon bits and all the potato insides, leaving Axel to smash it all together with some sour cream under his fork. He decided to use the tator’s tough skin to his advantage and picked it up, eating the whole thing in six bites (Taco-style). The only thing left to tackle in this dinner fit for a king was his veg; squash. It was alright. He ate half the helping, making sure to leave some food behind, since he never finishes his meals.

With his hot and steamy dinner laid out in front of him, Levon took it in with all the senses. The smell of the rich brandy cream sauce lingered and intertwined with the heavenly smell of seafood. It was as if the aroma’s were tenderly dancing with each other. However, being a man who always eats his veggies first, he resisted the temptation to grab and devour the entire entree with his bare-hands. Instead he delicately nibbled on his hot-squash, like a young rabbit in springtime. The squash was cooked thoroughly, was very soft and a delight to eat. After finishing his side, he took a small break to cleanse his pallet. He accomplished this by swishing a small amount of water (w/lemon, of course) in his mouth, and spitting it into one of many conveniently placed spit-buckets that lined the restaurant floor. Next was the main course. Levon sampled each piece of seafood separately, being a well-refined man with a highly refined pallet. The shrimp was finely textured, soft but not mushy and certainly not stringy. The scallops were masterfully cooked as well, not that rubbery bullshit that you get from your less-than prestigious seaside meal stands. The unique flavor of the sauce melded well with the naturally bad-ass flavor of fresh-caught creatures of the sea. Although he originally planned to pick around the pepper bits and mushrooms (he didn’t see the need for them in such a dish, peppers and mushrooms are in-expensive and are ingredients used by poor people and earthy-hippies with pony-tails), after giving some a try he was pleasantly surprised with the flavor it added to the meal. Over all, his meal was top-notch and should be recommended to any seafood lover, who enjoys fine dinning in a great atmosphere. Levon ate everything in front of him, being a member of the “clean-plate-club”. Everything except the god damn honey-butter that came with the fresh bread, he threw that on the floor because he hates it and it sucks.

The two exhausted and bloated journeymen retreated back to their separate resting areas, accompanied by every attractive lady what was at the restaurant. 26 attractive girls to be exact.