Chapter 1: Welcome to the Hotel Carridine

They road toward town on dino-back, more specifically on raptor-back. I know you might be thinking that training a wild raptor is next to the impossible. You would be in the same line of thinking as the wise Jeff Goldblum and the director of the entire Jurassic Park Trilogy, but you are wrong. To train a dino, more specifically a raptor, you must put in good time and effort to earn the beast’s respect and loyalty. These were top of the line show-raptors, with papers. Each custom fitted in the latest in MECH-helmet technology.

Town was but a day’s journey away and with the sun setting on the duo, it was time to lay rest to weary eyes. The travelers set sights for a sufficient location to secure their raptors for the long night. Off in the distance, away from the main trail they noticed a shabby, lanky looking building only appearing as a silhouette. After making half the distance to the building the journeyman could read the sign awkwardly perched on the front of the balcony. It was the David Carrdine Memorial Brothel, and the slogan read across the bottom of the sign “Come for the bitches, stay for the Carridine.” With minutes of light left in the day, they jumped off their rides and tied off the advanced show-raptors, and set their MECH-helmets to “sleep”. The prospect of getting to bang busty-women in the name of the legendary kung-fu master, David Carridine, was more than the two weary adventurers could handle. With a song in their hearts and hop in their step, they made their way into the precarious smelling building and walked right up to the front desk.

The main room was dimly lit and poorly decorated to their standards, with a small China-man behind the counter starring them down with his beady soulless eyes. “We’ll take your two finest rooms and two finest ladies.” The pair demanded. The China-man shrugged and stated “no more female.” The two stood there in dismay and wondered how a brothel could have no women for pleasure. The China-man went on to describe a horrible demon-man that comes out at every dusk and diddles any women he could get his greasy little paws on, only instead of paws, he has two giant swords for arms. Upon receiving the breaking news about the fiendish prowler, the two simply smirked and demanded the pent-house room on the top floor of the building. Slightly intimidated by the mystique of the big tough guyz, the owner meekly led them to the rickety staircase and began the ascent to the highest floor. There were only four floors to travel up, but the climb to the top seemed to take an eternity. With each step they took in the windowless staircase, it made them think that the trip down might not be so easy. Finally after what seemed like ages they reached the pent house suite. The china-man unlocked the door and motioned for them to enter, then promptly scurried away.

The room was unlit and smelt like crap. Levon swiftly struck a single match and lit a cigarette perched between his lips. As he took a long steady drag, the ember burned just bright enough for Axel to notice a beautiful crystal lamp sitting on a desk across the room. Cautiously he headed over and turned it on. It was then they realized that there was only one lamp to provide light for the entire room. The two looked over the unkempt room, noticing bird crap and feathers all over the place. This was probably due to the balcony door on the opposite side of the room, only having a curtain to keep the wildlife from entering. In the corner away from the balcony was an unmade bed that had seemed to be in use just the night prior. Next to the bed, was an end table with a missing drawer, which they located in the middle of the room. At the bottom of the end table was a Bible with select pages ripped out.

Levon directs his attention to a pair of louvered doors; he shoots a glare back at Axel, and begins to quietly shuffle toward them.  He swings the door open and examines the contents of the closet. He finds nothing but a busty manikin laying on the ground and some old rusty wire hangers.  

Smirking he looks over his shoulder at Axel and says “Well now, looks like this might be easier than we thought.”

Axel nods and quickly fires back, “Looks like we got ourselves a plan.”  

“I’m way ahead of you.” replies Levon as he reaches into his rucksack, pulling out a fresh pair of panties.

With sunset falling the two position the manikin in front of the open balcony, closing the curtains.  Levon gently maneuvers the panties over the base of the busty manikin. Axel sets up the lamp behind it so the silhouette casts onto the curtains.  They stand back from their handy work and Levon remarks, “Yea, I’d bang her.” With everything set in place, they retreat back to the closet to wait for the beast.  While carefully positioning themselves in the closet, they take pain staking measures to ensure their thighs don’t touch.

Earlier on, the two adventures had prodded the old china-man for more information on the infamous beast.  What he described was a demonic creature who flies into town periodically, on wings of darkness, seeking first born daughters who are due to turn 18 at the stroke of midnight but are still 17, who also wear black yoga pants at least three times a week, eat three square meals a day, no starches, and who have seen at least the first two seasons of Chips. Indeed the beast was particular.  According to the legend, if any man dared to get between the beast and his lusty desire, he will meet the fury of the creature’s two steel arms.

Night had fallen quickly, and the shadowy figure began to circle the sky.  The beast, with his trained eyes and acute sense of smell, quickly notices the silhouette of a busty women and the scent of a fresh pair of panties. It’s coming from the top floor of the David Carridine Memorial Brothel, a familiar haunt for it. Peering through the louvers from inside the closet, Levon whispers, “Seems kind of quiet out there.” At that very moment a massive body explodes through the curtains, forcing the manikin and all objects in the room to crash into the wall parallel to the balcony.  Axel and Levon spring from the closet to find the hellish beast rising from the rubble. As they caught a glimpse of his glowing red eyes they were in disbelief. With a cold stare Axel mutters, “Now there’s something you don’t see every day”. The demonic man stood in front of the;, he had a rapists wit, stood almost seven feet tall, and had the wing span of three hardy Birmington Wood pterodactyls. Hanging in place of his arms were two jagged, razor sharp strips of steal, and protruding from between his legs was a super-erect boner.

Axel darts to the right side of the beast, holding his trusty tomahawk with murderous intent.  Levon swiftly moves to the left side of the beast, brandishing his prized dagger. Just as the two come in for an opening strike, the creature quickly raises both arms, deflecting their attacks effortlessly.  With one sword arm for Axel, and one sword arm for Levon, the beast furiously swings his arms in a whirlwind type manner. Levon ducks beneath the whirlwind attack and strikes at the knee, while Axel high-jumps the opposing arm and swings for the neck.  With a knee-jerk reaction, the beast swats the tomahawk out of Axel’s hand, catapulting it into the ceiling. Weaponless and caught off guard by the sudden impact, Axel lands on his hands and knees and is quickly punted head first into the hallway, crashing into the wall and falling limp onto the ground. Levon yells out, “SHIT”, as he deflects a sword thrust toward his torso.

Now left alone with the beast, he quickly realizes he can barely parry it’s attacks, let alone attempt to fight back. He slowly starts getting backed into the corner on the far side of the room.  Still dazed and confused, Axel struggles to find the staircase. The trip down the rickety stairs is a blur, but he finds himself in the lobby of the building. Totally oblivious to the fact that the front door laid right in front of him, he elects to violently hurl his body through the front picture-window and lands at the feet of his show-raptor.  Using the saddle to pull himself up, he grabs hold of his super-bad-ass trident and darts back upstairs, realizing time is of the essence. Levon, defensively positioned in the corner of the room, catches a glimpse of Axel sneaking up behind the enemy with his trident in-hand. With a violent quick-thrust, Axel pins the beast, cross-armed, up against the wall. Levon says “man you really took your time” while propelling into a triple-air-side-winder-trey-flip.  Stiff as a bit of wood, he glides through the air, readying his dagger.

Finally coming out of the flip (after being in the air for six consecutive seconds), Levon plunges the dagger deep into the beast’s jugular.  Shifting the grip on the handle, he then yanks the blade from the beast, landing right foot forward. Just as a fountain of sweet blood begins to mist down upon him, he aggressively back-slashes across the stomach and then proceeds to up-thrust his divine blade straight through the beast’s lower jaw.  Axel then skewers the beast, and begins to lift him high above his head. He takes a moment to bask in the sensation of fresh blood running down his now unclothed, rock-hard abs. With repressed jubilance, Axel looks up and says “Going down?” as he slow-slams the fiend through the wooden floor boards, sending him hurtling towards the ground floor.  

The heroes take a second to bang-out a radical over-head high-five. Levon yells out “Let’s bring it on home!”, as they simultaneously jump, weapons first, through the busted up holes left on each floor.  Before reaching the ground, they reach terminal velocity, causing them to slam into the beast with such force it creates minor power shock ripples in the cement floor. As the dust clears, instead of finding the beast’s lifeless body, they find themselves in a swarm of roaches. They get up, and Levon perches a cigarette between his lips as Axel calmly brushes insects from his solid pecs, looking over at the frightened china-man. He says “Looks like you got a bug problem now”.