The Big Snake:


I was raised in a Raised-Ranch. Those of you who know how a raised-ranch is set up, you will know that there is no ground floor. When you walk in, you are immediately confronted with two options: walk up the stairs to the main living area, or go downstairs to the basement. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but I felt that it was important for me to relay that information to you. Much like a raised-ranch, I try and be underground or one story in the air as much as possible. I find it boring to be at ground level, not to mention the fact that residing at ground-level leaves you completely exposed to predators and the elements. Not a safe OR practical way to live. Also, my birth in 1990 marked the beginning of a great revival of interest in the classic raised-ranch style home, which was on the decline since the late 60s (the ranch I grew up in was originally built in the early 60s, when raising a ranch was at peak popularity). Again, I’m not sure where I’m going with this, or why I feel the need to equate my life with the trends and rich history of this surprising twist on a classic American home design (the ranch), but I’m already in too deep at this point and I’d rather not start over. Much like the unnamed-maverick who first looked at a ranch and said to himself “It’s pretty good, but I bet if I raised the first floor up about 8 feet or so, it would be even better.”, I too have always sought to take things that are already pretty good, and make them marginally better. Whether that take the form of me re-writing the bible to include modern day swear-words and slang (a current project due out in early 2022 titled “The Bible: With Swears), or that time I decided to put onion rings on my tuna sandwich, I am always looking to take things up another level. Because, if you ask me, life is a ranch. I’m looking to raise the shit out of it.


Crazy Tea:


The following events surround what was taking place in Crazy Tea’s life while he was supposed to be writing his bio, yet failed to do so. This is not a “bio”, but instead is an official legal document posted publicly to penalize Tea for failure to finish his bio in the allotted time period. The events have been posted in chronological order, as per sub-section A of article 5-3G in amendment 440 of the legislative document “Bio’s on Web-pages-Which Are Run by 3 Friends or Less-and Operate at a Net Loss”. See select incidents below where Mr. Tea could have worked on his bio, yet neglected to do so:


Monday, April 23rd, 17:57 EST: Tea gets home from work, begins mumbling something about Monday’s under his breath. He puts on some water for the instant noodles he plans to eat for dinner. Once the water comes to a boil, he pours it in the Styrofoam noodle cup, hangs his belt on the back of a kitchen chair, and proceeds to the living room. He falls asleep early that night, his laptop remains untouched.


Sunday, May 6th, 06:56 EST: Tea reluctantly rolls out of bed, and ambles off to the bathroom. He is visibly on the tired side, even mentioning something about how he wishes he was the type to “sleep-in”. He presumably had a long night of promising he would write his bio today while sipping on Negronis. He goes downstairs and opens his laptop, but only long enough to hear it boot-up. Almost as soon as it hits the log-in screen, Tea is out the door and on the way to Dunkin Donuts. He doesn’t return home until much-later, getting “called-in” to an impromptu Magic The Gathering card game while still out. His laptop dies on the table, still open. His bio remains unwritten.


Saturday, May 19th, 14:01 EST: After playing career mode on Madden NFL 17 for a solid six and a half hours, Tea begins preparing for what must be a Magic The Gathering Tournament, removing his still dead laptop from the kitchen table and spreading hundreds of cards around in its place. He fastidiously picks through the pile, placing some in his deck and the rest in a card binder. He then leaves in a hurry, going on about how this is “The Big One”. He returns much later that night, drunk, down $50 and up one official Magic The Gathering card placemat. His laptop remains on the seat of a kitchen table chair. His bio remains unwritten.


Wednesday, June 6th, 18:19 EST: After being home from work for hours, Tea finally approaches his laptop. He open’s it up, only to realize it’s dead. He plugs it in after loudly calling it a “fucking piece of shit” for dying after being left on for three days straight, and places an open Yoo-hoo beverage bottle on top of it. Shortly after he gets a text from a friend, and begins happily pacing around the house while adjusting his hair and shirt collar in the mirror and clamoring about how he loves a good “discount bar-night”. He leaves a few minutes later. His laptop now a coaster for a warm Yoo-hoo beverage. His bio, still unwritten.


Saturday, June 8th, 02:15 EST: Tea returns home after supposedly hanging out with friends straight out of work. He returns alone, reeking of liquor and clenching a pile of blood soaked clothes. He frantically stuffs them into a plastic garbage bag, while shaking his head and murmuring “” under his breath. He then leaves with the bag and a trunk slams. He drives off into the night. Leaving his laptop on the table, and his bio unwritten.

These are just few highlighted events that have been recording during the full period of Mr. Tea’s allotted time period to finish his bio. For the full report and more information on the case please visit: